Hey Donald Trump, How Was Your Birthday?

Have you ever seen a sitting president look this sad?

Hey little guy. I know you’re feeling a little blue, but chin up.

At least you got to set up something that could be many American boys’ biggest dream: dozens of horses, thousands of soldiers, an entire militia of tanks, digital flags on massive screens, EVEN A FEW ROBOT DOGS - and it’s all for your BIRTHDAY?! Okay, so maybe it’s actually “allegedly” for the U.S. Army’s 250th birthday, which just so happens to land on your birthday, but let’s not mince words here: there are robot dogs and tanks and all sorts of fun toys. Oh, and it’s being bankrolled in part by defense contractor Lockheed Martin? AND crypto company Coinbase?!?!? That’s good: it cost $45 million for you to throw your birthday party.

This is YOUR birthday party. And everyone in America is invited! You believe 250,000 people are going to show up. This is a BIG day.

There’s just one problem: everyone in America is busy already by, uh, protesting you, your administration, and its draconian immigration policies that are tearing families apart.